Birthday Blues

I just had my birthday.  Another year older, another year wiser as they say.

But I have to say I feel like it is another year older, another year more pessimistic, languid, disillusioned with the world.

On my actual birthday I did nothing special with my wife or family.  At work my employees did a little birthday lunch.  I was so mad at the guy that told them when my birthday was because I hate that sort of thing.  Work is work, I am polite and sociable with the people that work with me but I had sitting down and making small talk with them.  He knew that and did it anyway, so that put a crimp in the birthday day.

Over the weekend I went out Kayaking.  I was with a group of people that had all signed up online at meetup.com.  I found myself not wanting to be anywhere near them though, I just wanted to be on my own, small talk just irritated me.

I think I am reaching a point in my life that I don’t like other people.  I find myself making excuses to not attend social gatherings or even to talk to people on the phone.  When I talk to people they either want something or just want to talk about themselves, neither of those make for a nice time.

I wonder sometimes if I should maybe see a shrink, but I am a smart person, I find myself thinking through my problems, and possible solutions and thinking that, if I didn’t get myself into the problem (or didn’t let people get me into them) then there wouldn’t be a problem and I could continue my private, hermit like, existence.

The other possibility is that I might just turn into a psychotic maniac and blow something up, but since I have no cause or beef with anyone that is somewhat unlikely

I get the impression that I am to old to be fooling around with the twenty somethings, and I too young to be taking life seriously like fifty somethings.  Right around now most guys would be being fatherly, but since that isn’t possible I am stuck in limbo.

If I were to win the lottery I think I would make a pretty good stab at becoming a hermit